well here i am to rant again and i am pretty sure everyone that once read this does not anymore but truth be told i don't care i like the thought of being able to come here and throw up all my negativity with out someone saying blah blah blah about it.
But right now i am not feeling to negative.... i am sure i could make something up or dredge something up oh i know i hate my other blog with passion with 10,000 burning suns or something like that.
I can't be truthful on my other blog i feel. i feel like all who read it will be disgusted with me if i am too negative or the will tattle to someone about what i put in there.
like back here this year i am feeling very misplaced. i don't feel like i am being used for the good things to be used for but i get pushed into the not so great things and then someone i won't name names acts like he has to change his whole life for me. like i am a huge burden to him. he can't ask me to do things he said or else i will feel like he is asking to much but then when he doesn't ask me I feel left out. yeah when you go do the cool things you leave me out but the things that are a chore you ask me to do or make it so i have to do those things. can i do nothing right in your eyes? because of you i wish i never came back here. and only because of you.
but everything else here is great that says a lot about how much you make me feel like crap i would give up a great things just to be away from you. I have learned so much from you but have never felt so much like I was never good enough for one person. it makes me wonder if that is what being a christian is really about. is it about making others feel bad, not good enough. that actually has been my experience as a christian.
you aren't good enough.
you aren't good enough

ugh.....
why does everything have to be so complicated like that Avril Lavigne song.
and my dreads... look terrible! and i feel trapped and i feel trapped in relationships and roar.
i want to runaway and never look back.
i should just pretend everything is fine and never rock the boat but then things will never get deeper..... but a lot of good that does deep is objective obviously! just like friendship is objective!
I don´t know who i am or what i want.
i just want to be alone..................

I read this on a delicious beverage Vitaminwater by Glaceau.
I agree with it and find what they have to say is fairly true.
here it is:
is it just us or was sex and the city just a younger version of the golden girls? think about it. four single women, looking for love, gossiping and group hugging.(just switch the big apple to boca and cosmos to metamucil and it's pretty much the same.)
it just goes to show you, grow up but don't get old.

then they go on to tell you why the drink will make you not get old. Anyway I love the golden girls and I just recently for the first time saw a few episodes of sex in the city. It was funny a bit racey but funny. it is true, golden girls was to the 80's what sex in the city is to the now.
the ho
the naive one
the sarcastic unspoken leader
and the one that is in the group but not quite
yeah it works.

sigh.... so I really can't stand the intricacies that come along with all relationships! Does she love me? do I bug her? They don't spend time with me! They expect me to spend time with them but I really don't know why, I don't want to! she stole the guy I like! they seem mad! they are so closed off! they like my best friend! she is jealous of who I am and I am worried about it!!! I am jealous of her because all the boys look at her when we go out! Ugh and all that and everyone in the states has no time for anything!!!! that is slightly exaggerated i have gotten to spend time with my loveys quite a bit so that is good. but my emotions are in a knot! I hate I hate I hate relationships! I don't have to deal with this stuff in Hnd. I just am. I do what I do and enjoy the people I know and that is it. none of this other complicated stuff! sigh.

Welcome to the 2008 edition of getting to know your Friends. Change all
The answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your friends
Including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will
learn a lot of little things about your friends that you might not
have known!


1. What time did you get up this morning? um....7:15

2. Diamonds or pearls? well dogs aren't a girls best friend.


3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? i think it was Juno when I was back in NM for CHristmas


4. What is your favorite TV show ? no tv. no favorite show :( but Fraggle Rock if you count what i have on DVD.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? yogurt to build up the happy healthy bacterium in my stomach.

6. What is your middle name? Colette and why don't they ever change the questions on this thing!!!

7. What food do you dislike? onions.. and yet i still eat them.


8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? well if i had the sweeney todd soundtrack that would be it.


9. What kind of car do you drive? in the states a toyota pickup truck in HND Chris and Maria's Mitubishi


10. Favorite sandwich? the lovely avocado,turkey,cheese sandwich at DG's deli oh I miss it so!!!

11. What characteristic do you despise ? unreliable (Amen, Sara! AMEN Sarah (from leah) that goes right along with flaky) flirty


12. Favorite item of clothing? a soft new hoody in rainy weather


13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you
go? Japan!!!!!!!!!

14. Favorite brand of clothing? i like threadbare


15. Where would you retire to? Japan.

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? Maria's birthday this year we had a bunch of kids over and it was so much fun we all packed in my little blow up swimming pool!!!


17. Favorite sport to watch: futbol but not the american kind

18. Furthest place you are sending this? this is the internet does it really even matter

19. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? myself becuz i never got on anymore


20. Person you expect to send it back first? umm........ ryoko

21. When is your birthday? february 27


22. Are you a morning person or a night person? I can be both but prefer the nights

23. What is your shoe size? 7 womens 5 and half boys


24. Pets? Yes a cat ryoko fat spoiled and sassy. and our scrunggy dog here in HND named Muneca.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? hhhmmmm now the real question is should i tell you or not.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? a animal doctor then I realized a cow had three stomachs and didn't; want to learn about how many stomachs every animal had in the world... that was my logic at the time.

27. How are you today? happy.

28. What is your favourite candy? why limit myself so many moods for so many candies

29. What is your favourite flower? those kind that smell of rotting flesh to lure unsuspecting insects in for eating them.



30. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward ? June 30 becuz I will be heading back to NM for a while to spend time with almost all my loved ones!


31. What is your full name? does anyone else find these name questions boring..... ok i will oblige it LEAH COLETTE SCOTT

32. What are you listening to right now? Zemer Lava
3 3. What was the last thing you ate? um... coco directly from the nut.

34. Do you wish on stars? is kermit green

35. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? earthworm

36 . How is the weather right now? overcast and rainy

37. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my mommy!!!!!!!

38. Favorite soft drinks? it is not soft drink it is "pop" and apple pop if i can get my hands on it.

39. Favorite restaurant? Sushi Itto the sushi place in San Pedro Sula for the mere fact that I can get sushi here in HND


40. Hair color? brackyblack

41. What was your favorite toy as a child? a tent that could fit on top of my bed i would drag it every where and play in it.. i wish i had one now

42. Summer or winter? ah to feel the seasons again..... here in Hnd we only have two seasons as far as I can tell rain and not rain.
thus saying i miss seasons..... ok ok i guess i like... i can't decide between summer and winter... i like fall then spring then winter then summer.


43. Hugs or kisses? depends on who.


44. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate


45. Coffee or tea? I do love me coffee!

46. Do you want your friends to email you back? eh they don't have to but it is fun.

47. When was the last time you cried? when @##$%^@#!$@#%!%@$#%!@#!$@$@#$.


48. What is under your bed? conejos de polvo

50. Salty or sweet? it all depends on my mood why do we have to give such definitive answers


51. How many keys on your key ring? 1

52. How many years at your current job? 10 months and still going......

53. Favourite day of the week? don't know saturday becuz we go into san pedro and that is fun

54. How many towns have you lived in? 4


55. Do you make friends easily? i don't know.


56. How many people will you send this to? maybe one maybe more.

57. How many will respond? some one might.

These are my friends, see how they glisten, see this one shine in the light MY FRIENDS!!! hahaha Sweeney Todd moment I don't get to get them out all to often so there I did it! Ouch my bum hurts from sitting on my front step. that is the only place i can get the wifi internet from Chris' house goodtimes. um compalints bitter complaints.... well the guy i really really liked proved to be another well just that "a guy" it hit hard... then i was over it. onwards and upwards! is there really a guy out there with integrity that doesn't follow the flirty girl, who will just say "hey chica lay off!" WHERE IS HE! and when i find him will i care I really don't want to be looking but it seems that my position is hopeless. Oh whatever.
hhhmmmm well other than really despising flirts i don't have much else to emode about um..... i want to go to Japan really bad and I was planning on a backpacking trip there next summer, but that was with the fact i would actually be making money... but since I have decided to stay in Honduras another year I don't think I will be making any money..... so we will see where that leads. actually it makes me want to go look for backpacking stories in Japan online..... off i go....
oh shoot the sancudos are going to be coming out soon which means i have to go inside or they will suck my blood and leave me distressed and itchy!!!
going home soon so looking forward to it!!!!!

sometimes you think you know a person... or two or three and then you find out you really don't... life is like that. these people who are they with thier masks... and just maybe they have let you down except that you could careless at point or maybe the love you have had for them remains and you know that yeah they do stupid things but so do I and then there are those that yo uare happy to have out of your life.
I have found out many things about people and it threw me into a wierd state for awhile and when I stop to think about it it still will but I just move on.
like friday was the 5 year anniversary of my brothers death.... 5 years seem so long but it still doesn't feel that long ago...... i guess because he never changes in my mind it seems like time with Alex is standing still in my heart. I still miss him though and 5 years is to long to be without someone you love that much... and I still have a lifetime to go till I can see him again.
If you knew we'd miss you would you still be here
if you knew how much we need you would you fight our fears
would you push the hurt away and push through the hard times
would i treat you any better
and remain by your side
you would be driving and so many things that I can't even say
but it hasn't happened and it won't anymore and where are you
you have closed the door
I miss you like no other and it has been to long
I wish you were still with me
I wish you weren't so wrong

uh oh my old live journal how I have missed you. I have another blog..I admit it. I am sorry livejournal.... but I love you more than that other blog. I can tell you anything livejournal! that other blog it is so impersonal. it has none of the misspellings, or the lack of capitalization that only close friends share like us. I can not let my heart bleed in my other blog but here yes I can.
ah... I really do love Honduras it has been so fun being here... but I know that I can not be who I need to be for God here. I do not know if that makes sense but I can not go into is anymore than that.
the kids are so sweet and there is a whole different level of closeness i have with them... I do not know if a teacher is supposed to.
I have a lot of things I could rant about.... but I do not think I should even get started.................
You know how some people are meant to be and some not well when the people who are not meant to be are put in a very to close for comfort situation it is not a bein mezkla. That is where I am right now.I got a nintendo ds lite for christmas and I do that for entertainment here not all the time but it helps wear away the long hours alone. I bought 2 new games recently becuz I beat Zelda I bought Fianl Fantasy... some number and I got Wario Master of disguise. The games I got already were not that great they were alright but eh I lost interest in them. I have been enjoying Final Fantasy a lot, some one I once knew siad video games are the litrature of this generation... I some what agree especially when it comes to Final Fantasy or any RPG game such as that. You get just involved with the story and characters in these games as you do in a book. I was playing a game awhile back and I found myself crying a couple of times. I don't have much time to blog on all my blogs so I update my impersnal one because the public that pays my bills reads that one sigh i don't like that about being a "missionary" having to keep the people happy, and why did I rise to some sort of celebrity status just becuase I am doing what I am called to do... and why was I a nobody to anybody before that? I find that silly. I love being out of the country i love it! I wish I could just travel all the rest of my life. I would go to Japan first then China to visit Mark and help out there.... well if help is needed. hahaha.
ugh the people here though sometimes drive me crazy they expect you to do things but when you do it they say it is wrong they change thier minds a lot here... i suppose everyone does but I notice it here.
I don't like not being able to go places and hang out i hate having to be dependant on others for safety. I wouls like to be in a country where i could just travel around I could do that here but it is slightly dangerous.
i do like the peace here, I love the beauty, i love the animals i love the people I have gotten to know!
I love the kids as I said I love not having a bunch of complicated relationship surrounding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow here i am back in the cage of the internet...sigh..... trapped by the technical movement of todays moving up.
anyway i am trying to get back in this cage so that i can help keep others informed of my well being.
my status as far as my well being goes is: great.
I like Hounduras. I love the kids!!!! and i got two baby turtles there names are Loco Rapido Arelis etc etc and  Rado Dispacio Casey romero. I love them.
i have found my inner latina princess and i rock it.
my hair is long.
I cant say i missed the internet no i didn't miss it at all. 
i am home for christmas and it has been super nice.
sad that is is quickly coming to a close and I will soon be back in to the isolation and boredom that Hounduras offers. I am quite ok with those things though.

i am so bored...
every night i do the same thing....watch tv. tv tv and more tv. my cousin is always hanging with her friends they are always together, that is so cool.
I tried to explain to her as you get older. peoples live change busy busy busy, other things are there in their lives and they are not there.
but as i ponder boredom I stop and think about how it will be in Honduras... will i be bored there? maybe... i certainly won't have friends or tv there. sigh what am I going to do. oh geez that freaks me out. so when i think about that I count myself blessed to be bored now!!!
I don't even know what to think about it.
I know there will be a lot to explore there. So I am counting on that a bit to help keep me occupied for awhile.
I am trying to find a way to get entertainment books sent to me but I have no idea where to go for that....
eek this whole thought just got my stomach flippin.

oh yeah the stiches from my wisdom tooth removal dissolved..awesome.... now i have a hole back there but i tooth authority told me it will heal.
My cousin Nikkie was here that last week and it was good,.... i can't say i was the best fun......... but she loves me anyway! I am so happy she came, she is an amazing cousin and friend. she has a way of taking life and kicking its butt ,unlike her, sniveling cousin me, she has been with me and encouraged me through a ton of stuff! i love you Nikkie! thank you for bringing light to my life!

thought i had something to say... but really i don't. maybe...  weird how we all try to love each other on our own terms.
I am thankful to the Lord for the true people He has put in my life the ones that have been there for me, the ones that stuck by me even when things didn't go how they thought. true friends. thank you Lord for those friends.
thank you Lord for the ones that listen to me, and to smile at me and put up with the things i go through even when they could say "i told you so"
Lord thank you for your friendship! thank you that i can call you my best friend Lord... and you will always love me and you never lie to me!!!!
Lord i know you won't but please erase my heart.
Lord thank you for my family who sticks by me and who i can be myself around no matter what, who take me when I am no fun and they take me when i am all fun! true friends do that, true family does that! they don't give up!!!
thank you Lord!

so.....
lock my heart in a coffin .let the love run dry .bitterness sets in and maybe i won't cry. trusting the untrust worthy like the idiot i am. thought it would be different.

taking pills. taking lives.

betrayed. the pattern. failure.
 

so i got my wisdom tooth removed monday. interesting thing getting teeth removed.... a little electric spinny saw in your mouth. then they used this jaw holder opener to hold my jaw open go figure. but after, they didn't know how to close it so they kept making it bigger and bigger  (augh) they really almost unlocked my jaw like a snake.... well it took the senior surgeon to close it...oh brother.
so it all went really well, i guess the senior surgeon was teaching the other guy how to remove the sort of tooth i had, becuz he explained to him the whole time what to do... well if that didn't make me nervous then the huge shot to numb me would. Actually it didn't. haha. it was really cool and i wanted to see the mess like the piece of skin they cut off and the pieces of tooth and bone they extracted. I asked if i could keep my tooth but to make it easier they remove it in pieces. so no tooth.
so my top jaw kinda slightly covered my tooth which was on my bottom right jaw.  that was in the way, so they had to cut the bone away...crazy huh! it doesn't hurt  much now.... it did that first day. i was out of it and then today the day after i was sore, like my neck and my head but not the actual cut area. i just kinda felt lethargic.
lethargy seems to be...a thing with me as of late.
but i need to kick it in the butt. i only have a short time till i leave for Honduras...the thing is i have no idea where to start. i am trying to pack my room, pack my life into suitcases for a year. it is really overwhelming so much in fact that when i start to actually do it i am so lost in the  immensity of it i usually end up doing something else. and the would probably explain my latest obsession with watching cartoons. a place to run away to and not have to think. my most very favorite obsession cartoon is kim possible.. i am not sure why i like this cartoon so much..... Kim is nothing of what i like in characters she is hip, a cheerleader, cool in a trying to hard sort of way... i think it mostly has to do with her best friend recently turned boy friend Ron he is so funny!!!!!!! and his naked mole rat rufus. i like it. it is a witty cartoon...with much sarcasm... i like that.  there is really nothing to out standing i can say about it... i just like it.
my camera broke. yeah i know. how you ask am i going to share my life in Honduras with you if i have no camera... i have been asking myself the same thing since it broke in Israel... "can i do with out?" i am sure i can but it is so much more fun to share pics. so despite the depletion of funds i think i am going to try to scrape the money together and get me one. sigh. one more thing.
ok i seem to have run out of more to say.
but ty-bo told me he checks my LJ every day to see if i update and the inspired me to update.... some one out there reads it hooray!!!!

went to Israel these past 2 weeks. was pretty cool but part of me felt like.... I wanted to be home before going off to Honduras so that made it hard. Yes i was in the Holy land but it was hard. now i am at home staring at a mound of stuff to pack up to leave or to get out of the way, plus piles of things that just arrivied and i have no idea where to start in it all.
I liked it in Israel i loved serving the missionaries there and they were fun to get to  know! it was mind boggling to think that Jesus came from there and i was there, for me it was a hard concept to wrap my brain around.
on the way back i got so sick it didn't start till i got my breakfast on my first flight out, then my stomach got so upset and continued to get worse until the last flight into ABQ and then i still felt sick but not with the gut wrenching stomach pains. it was great and is great to be home. it is so scary to think about how i left Ukraine last year... and now how i feel after Israel nothing the same. I wish it was last year. ok it is okay.
ok i am done.

I just realized something....
well let me start at the beginning. I am not so smashing when it comes to any sort of relationship I usually ruin them pretty quickly (Praise God for the ones I have!) I have a hard time meeting and relating to new people in my life, but recently more and more God has called me out of that. And I have been trying to be obeidiant in it. The thing is, is I have messed up tremendously in the past few month and....well it is never a pleasant thing to look back and see that you leave a path of destruction behind you.... and that is what I did just now in this last hour. I looked back and cried and said to myself why am I like this and why can't I go back and change it. and why must I have new people in my life....!!!!!
Then something else hit me... as a "going out" missionary that is really kinda going to be my life, (with bilingual twist, 3rd world sickness etc).
Back to the people thing, being a missionary is all about meeting people and helping them. Thus one more thing for me to  think to myself "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?! this is exactly what you have been bombing in the past few 27 years of your life...."
I am reminded in my spirit though, that in Gods word it says in our weakness HE is strong. 
Lord this is one major weakness...
ah how I would like to curl back into my shell, lock my heart back in its coffin nailing it in there nice and tight not to love, not to live not to hurt others or be hurt.
Lord it is you, not me. Please redeem the things that need redeeming!

I can't believe everyday I wake up and I forget this, that my Lord loved me this much. I can't believe how I lose hope so quickly and let things on the outside rep me up.
My Jesus loves me and He loves you.
Oh God that I would remember this every single silly breath I take and every tear that falls!